It seems after the first leg, that Real Madrid and Chelsea are returning, or have returned, respectively, to the 'mean.'
Real Madrid's new nickname should be "Los Indisciplinados," because it seems whenever they are involved in a game with high stakes against a team as good or better, the impression they leave is not one of tactical creativity or offensive prowess or even strength on defense, but that they are--without particular discretion or pragmatism--willing to crudely hack opposing teams' players down.
Chelsea, on the other hand, have washed their hands of a drawn out 'coach with interesting ideas' vs 'the unreceptive veterans' conflict, and have reverted to lobbing the ball to one of the surely more physically opposing divers ever to play the sport. Watching a Chelsea game has returned to the 'bad old days' of chronic screen shots of Drogba writhing around on the pitch interspersed with shots of Lampard furrowing his brow as he readies another spot kick.
REAL MADRID VS F.C. BAYERN: NICKNAMES AND VIOLENCE
"Los Indisciplinados"
Once upon a time Zidane's "Galacticos," Los Indisciplados are not, so far, 'special' in any positive sense of the word. Granted, a disproportional amount of their big games are against the aforementioned, uber-talented, Barca, who have unleashed the inner beast in many opponents, but why, when the going gets tough, does Real hack their opponents down as if they themselves are a bunch talent-less misfits? After all, aren't "Los Blancos" basically a collection of the best players money can buy, with an average annual salary of $7,356,632! This is not a scrappy, bottom-of-the-table bunch we're talking about here.
In all fairness there are two main offenders, who'll I'll address shortly, but I find this pair end up often stealing Real's biggest shows, and threaten to steal the return leg against a Bayern side more formidable than the one who made it the Champion's League final two years ago.
In the past Mourinho's teams have been impressively resilient in the most trying of situations: down a man, playing away from home, etc. This group, however, doesn't give themselves the chance to hang in there and get that last ditch win. Call it a lack of faith; their ethos becomes polluted by cheap, nasty and often ill-timed tackles that make pretty much anyone except the staunchest, inner-fascist Meringues wince and shift any existing support away from them.
Pepe the King Prawn
The man who makes Metta World Peace look like someone...whose name has not just become, perhaps forever, a ridiculous farce. No but seriously, Pepe is just simply Képler Laveran Lima Ferreira, but this clip pretty much puts at least Ron Artest's latest vitriolic elbow thrown at James Harden in good company.
There is something eerily similar in terms of how wildly, out-of-body enraged they both get in the moment. Except in this particular case Pepe is able to return to his victim to try and inflict more bodily damage a second time, and then begins to slap-punch two of his victim's interceding teammates out of the way.
I see Pepe as Real's on-field leader. This is is a problem.
Marcelo does not deserve his own, infamous sub-title if Pepe is setting the standard for sub-titles, but Los Indisciplinados definitely sticks to him as well. Also prone to extremely physical, sometimes irrational play, he's adds tactical indiscipline to boot.
Brought on in the sixty-ninth minute as a wing midfielder in the first leg, he was pretty much a lost cause, but yet Real haven't fully been able to contain his indiscipline enough to start him in his natural position, leaving Fabio "El Fumador" Coentrao (finally in favor after a lengthy stay in the doghouse for smoking on his birthday) trying to contain the ever-frisky Robben. Already almost exposed a number of times, Phillip Lahm completely undid him like a fresh boxer stepping into the ring with one already bloodied. El Fumador was left wobbling as the winner was finished off.
For obvious reasons, Marcelo's lower center of gravity, his lung capacity (haha), his physicality, raw speed and attacking perks would have made him a far more ideal choice to contain "The Flying Dutchman," but how much can you trust the obviously undisciplined?
What it comes down to is that many times with Real their indiscipline outshines their offense. I ask you:
'Has Pepe been dirtier in big games of Mourinho's reign than Christiano Ronaldo has been dominant?'
'Has Marcelo been more of a total-liability-of-a-loose-cannon than Ozil a sunken-eyed, understated offensive maestro?
With Mourhino's Madrid it comes down to a question of identity, perhaps a crisis of identity.
Real took a huge step in the right direction on Saturday with Ronaldo's after-goal Nou Camp 'shush' becoming the main memory (instead of Alonso's chicken-headed 93rd minute challenge of Messi, which was a distant second).
I'm not convinced Mourinho is the one to blame--despite his own antics since arriving at the Bernabau--for the ruthlessness of some of his players with a prior history of...ruthlessness. His projects take a while to materialize, and what remains to be seen, is if Real Madrid's Indisciplinados will allow this team to materialize so that "The Special One's" trademark grittiness can manifest itself against a team whose wingers are the best in the business.
CHELSEA VS BARCELONA: QUESTIONS AND NICKNAMES
Does Di Matteo even know he's bluffing?
"It is too difficult to play for a goalless draw. To score would give us a greater advantage but we all know how difficult it is going to be." -Roberto Di Matteo
Wait, so it's too difficult to play for a draw, but we all know how difficult scoring will be? I'm certainly not convinced the Blues bus parked in front of the "uefalona" goal at the Nou Camp isn't in order.
First of all, how do you attack Barca?
To his credit Di Matteo was tactically impressive in the first leg, using two potential number 10s in Lampard and Mata, one of whom can be a pesky-good positional defender (I'll not say which, as the other has to be one of the worst defenders I've seen in the post-tresquartista era). This gave Chelsea, potentially but not actually, the ability to knock the ball around a bit if they could slip away from Barca's insta-pressure.
Also, having the wiry, end-to-end Ramires help monitor his countryman, Dani "I-should-be-Sponsored-Simultaneously-by-Red-Bull-and-Crack" Alves proved remarkably effective.
Giving Drogba the spotlight, though painful to watch, was obviously validated.
There have also since been numerous favorable remarks by veteran players, who, along with "The Roman" have perhaps been flirting with the idea that the Swiss-born Italian will prove more than a band-aid after the "DVD" (internal nickname for their veteran-scorned coach Andres Villas-Boas) was told he was extraneous technology.
Wait, but the question remains unanswered, how do you attack Barcelona?
Oh, right, you can't. They are guaranteed 65% of the possession and odds are they will out-pass the "Big Blue Lions" four to one. I guess lobbing long balls (to some) is technically considered attacking soccer, but most of these long balls looked more like defensive clearances than passes with any particular destination. Fortunately for them, "Dubiously Diving Didier" is a magnetic target player whose swan dives have somehow proven hypnotically persuasive to refs throughout his Chelsea career, making the laymen fan sitting on the sofa wonder:
'Do refs actually watch football in their spare time?'
Will Di Matteo end up unabashedly parking the figurative blue bus and holding on for both dear professional life—and a hefty bonus from Abramovich for winning the Champions League currently converted to dollars @ 1,210,800?
Yes. That was easy.
-Ari McKenna
Real Madrid's new nickname should be "Los Indisciplinados," because it seems whenever they are involved in a game with high stakes against a team as good or better, the impression they leave is not one of tactical creativity or offensive prowess or even strength on defense, but that they are--without particular discretion or pragmatism--willing to crudely hack opposing teams' players down.
Chelsea, on the other hand, have washed their hands of a drawn out 'coach with interesting ideas' vs 'the unreceptive veterans' conflict, and have reverted to lobbing the ball to one of the surely more physically opposing divers ever to play the sport. Watching a Chelsea game has returned to the 'bad old days' of chronic screen shots of Drogba writhing around on the pitch interspersed with shots of Lampard furrowing his brow as he readies another spot kick.
REAL MADRID VS F.C. BAYERN: NICKNAMES AND VIOLENCE
"Los Indisciplinados"
Once upon a time Zidane's "Galacticos," Los Indisciplados are not, so far, 'special' in any positive sense of the word. Granted, a disproportional amount of their big games are against the aforementioned, uber-talented, Barca, who have unleashed the inner beast in many opponents, but why, when the going gets tough, does Real hack their opponents down as if they themselves are a bunch talent-less misfits? After all, aren't "Los Blancos" basically a collection of the best players money can buy, with an average annual salary of $7,356,632! This is not a scrappy, bottom-of-the-table bunch we're talking about here.
In all fairness there are two main offenders, who'll I'll address shortly, but I find this pair end up often stealing Real's biggest shows, and threaten to steal the return leg against a Bayern side more formidable than the one who made it the Champion's League final two years ago.
In the past Mourinho's teams have been impressively resilient in the most trying of situations: down a man, playing away from home, etc. This group, however, doesn't give themselves the chance to hang in there and get that last ditch win. Call it a lack of faith; their ethos becomes polluted by cheap, nasty and often ill-timed tackles that make pretty much anyone except the staunchest, inner-fascist Meringues wince and shift any existing support away from them.
Pepe the King Prawn
The man who makes Metta World Peace look like someone...whose name has not just become, perhaps forever, a ridiculous farce. No but seriously, Pepe is just simply Képler Laveran Lima Ferreira, but this clip pretty much puts at least Ron Artest's latest vitriolic elbow thrown at James Harden in good company.
There is something eerily similar in terms of how wildly, out-of-body enraged they both get in the moment. Except in this particular case Pepe is able to return to his victim to try and inflict more bodily damage a second time, and then begins to slap-punch two of his victim's interceding teammates out of the way.
I see Pepe as Real's on-field leader. This is is a problem.
Marcelo does not deserve his own, infamous sub-title if Pepe is setting the standard for sub-titles, but Los Indisciplinados definitely sticks to him as well. Also prone to extremely physical, sometimes irrational play, he's adds tactical indiscipline to boot.
Brought on in the sixty-ninth minute as a wing midfielder in the first leg, he was pretty much a lost cause, but yet Real haven't fully been able to contain his indiscipline enough to start him in his natural position, leaving Fabio "El Fumador" Coentrao (finally in favor after a lengthy stay in the doghouse for smoking on his birthday) trying to contain the ever-frisky Robben. Already almost exposed a number of times, Phillip Lahm completely undid him like a fresh boxer stepping into the ring with one already bloodied. El Fumador was left wobbling as the winner was finished off.
For obvious reasons, Marcelo's lower center of gravity, his lung capacity (haha), his physicality, raw speed and attacking perks would have made him a far more ideal choice to contain "The Flying Dutchman," but how much can you trust the obviously undisciplined?
What it comes down to is that many times with Real their indiscipline outshines their offense. I ask you:
'Has Pepe been dirtier in big games of Mourinho's reign than Christiano Ronaldo has been dominant?'
'Has Marcelo been more of a total-liability-of-a-loose-cannon than Ozil a sunken-eyed, understated offensive maestro?
With Mourhino's Madrid it comes down to a question of identity, perhaps a crisis of identity.
Real took a huge step in the right direction on Saturday with Ronaldo's after-goal Nou Camp 'shush' becoming the main memory (instead of Alonso's chicken-headed 93rd minute challenge of Messi, which was a distant second).
I'm not convinced Mourinho is the one to blame--despite his own antics since arriving at the Bernabau--for the ruthlessness of some of his players with a prior history of...ruthlessness. His projects take a while to materialize, and what remains to be seen, is if Real Madrid's Indisciplinados will allow this team to materialize so that "The Special One's" trademark grittiness can manifest itself against a team whose wingers are the best in the business.
CHELSEA VS BARCELONA: QUESTIONS AND NICKNAMES
Does Di Matteo even know he's bluffing?
"It is too difficult to play for a goalless draw. To score would give us a greater advantage but we all know how difficult it is going to be." -Roberto Di Matteo
Wait, so it's too difficult to play for a draw, but we all know how difficult scoring will be? I'm certainly not convinced the Blues bus parked in front of the "uefalona" goal at the Nou Camp isn't in order.
First of all, how do you attack Barca?
To his credit Di Matteo was tactically impressive in the first leg, using two potential number 10s in Lampard and Mata, one of whom can be a pesky-good positional defender (I'll not say which, as the other has to be one of the worst defenders I've seen in the post-tresquartista era). This gave Chelsea, potentially but not actually, the ability to knock the ball around a bit if they could slip away from Barca's insta-pressure.
Also, having the wiry, end-to-end Ramires help monitor his countryman, Dani "I-should-be-Sponsored-Simultaneously-by-Red-Bull-and-Crack" Alves proved remarkably effective.
Giving Drogba the spotlight, though painful to watch, was obviously validated.
There have also since been numerous favorable remarks by veteran players, who, along with "The Roman" have perhaps been flirting with the idea that the Swiss-born Italian will prove more than a band-aid after the "DVD" (internal nickname for their veteran-scorned coach Andres Villas-Boas) was told he was extraneous technology.
Wait, but the question remains unanswered, how do you attack Barcelona?
Oh, right, you can't. They are guaranteed 65% of the possession and odds are they will out-pass the "Big Blue Lions" four to one. I guess lobbing long balls (to some) is technically considered attacking soccer, but most of these long balls looked more like defensive clearances than passes with any particular destination. Fortunately for them, "Dubiously Diving Didier" is a magnetic target player whose swan dives have somehow proven hypnotically persuasive to refs throughout his Chelsea career, making the laymen fan sitting on the sofa wonder:
'Do refs actually watch football in their spare time?'
Will Di Matteo end up unabashedly parking the figurative blue bus and holding on for both dear professional life—and a hefty bonus from Abramovich for winning the Champions League currently converted to dollars @ 1,210,800?
Yes. That was easy.
-Ari McKenna